You Fight Like A Girl

Am I the only person that thinks girls can be unusually cruel and vicious?  

During difficult times women can be the greatest pillars of strength known to mankind and by the same token girls can be incredibly mean and catty. 

There’s the key difference. There are girls and there are women. I’ve written on this topic before on a previous blog that’s now gone private. For now, let’s elaborate a little bit more on this subject.  There are crucial differences between the two. 

Women empower other women and feel empowered by doing so.  Lifting each other up during difficult times and helping each other grow. Even if it means the apprentice surpasses the instructor.  As a means of thanks and gratitude the apprentice in turn empowers the instructor by teaching them what they’ve grown to learn. There by empowering each other. This is an exemplary show of growth, maturity, gratitude and womanhood. 


A girl will berate, belittle and possibly hold another friend or colleague back out of fear of being surpassed in knowledge and accomplishment. Rather than help accomplish goals or encourage another friend, insecurities arise and take over and quickly dispel any probability of a flourishing, mature and thriving friendship or relationship. 

Studies across the world have been done regarding this very subject. The most absolute and root cause…insecurity. It’s them. Not you.  Interestingly enough, many of the fights that ensue are brought on by the insecure girl having an inner struggle with herself and seldom has anything to do with you personally.  If a grown woman is responsible for the sabotaging it’s due to her lack of ever having identified her own personal weaknesses and addressing them.  Therefore she behaves like the mean high school girl who gets her rocks off belittling the girl that’s capable of expression and showing emotion.  A warped sense of self comes into play here. The fun house mirror that they’re looking into that makes them look and feel tall although on the inside they’re small and scared. 

The road to hell was paved with the bones of men who did not know when to quit fighting.

Paulette Jiles, Enemy Women

My question is how are we as women able to identify if we’re guilty of this behavior ourselves?  Well, let’s think a little bit.  For the most part, we’ve all been the mean girl.  Whether it happened early on in adolescence or later on as we came to mesh with others in our close circles, maybe you were mean to a sibling.  We’ve experienced the torture or been the torturer.  It’s not hard to identify, the hardest part is admitting to ourselves we’re guilty of it.  We know what it’s like.   We are vicious, unrelenting when we’re really mad or hurt. 

Whenever you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer him with love.

Mahatma Gandhi

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25 Random Things That Parenthood, Age & Experience Have Taught Me

Parenthood, age and experience have taught me the best life lessons.  It doesn’t have to be perfect to be good. 

  1.  I can’t plan every little detail out. Instead I set attainable goals.  Life means sometimes my perfect planning will go ary. 
  2. I’ve lost my ability to whisper.  
  3. It’s easy to find Reislings to drink.  Oops I meant reasons.  I come from a long line of bad habits so I don’t keep it on hand.  I’d hate for my children to paint a picture of me holding a glass.  That’s not how I want them to remember me. 
  4. I like structure, order, neat and clean.  Now that I’m older I’ve realized my rigidity can cause severe eye twitching anxiety.  So I’ve created a chore board to get the kiddos engaged in helping me keep the house clean and I pay them well. 
  5. Secret signals fly over my head. I’m talkin’ I miss them like an idiot misses the point.  I don’t have time to play charades.  Just give it to me 
  6. Nature is one of the greatest healers.  
  7. Parenthood doesn’t come with a manual.  We all do the best we can with the knowledge and resources we have available to us.  Not a single one of us is a perfect parent. 
  8. I pray a lot. For everyone, even for the clients on my massage table.  Prayers of thanks and gratitude make me happy. 
  9. I love and appreciate my husband’s mind.  He’s got a big beautiful brain and a heart to match.  When you’re young, you take things like intelligence for granted.
  10. As long as I’m doing my absolute best at everything, I feel fulfilled and productive. 
  11. I admire all of the people that stay home to care for kids or work from home. I’m not one of them. I’m not strong enough to.  I believe that requires a special person with much self discipline.  
  12. Music is still one of the most powerful languages, escapes, motivators, and mood changers out there.  
  13. Being able to read nonverbal cues from others is a gift. 
  14. Although I love company, I crave to have my family alone. 
  15.  I really could survive in the wild out of the contents of my purse for at least a week.
  16. Time goes by so much faster the older you get. 
  17. Depression can happen to anyone. 
  18. Don’t collect things.  Collect love. 
  19. I now understand what my mother meant when she said “Now I know why some animals eat their young.”
  20. There are fallacies in using work as an escape. 
  21. The stresses of balancing family, kids, work, school and spouses are real.  Just because it seems under control doesn’t mean it is. 
  22. A minimalist lifestyle is so much more appealing the older I get.  Seems like shedding years of weighted clutter is much more fulfilling than filling blank walls.
  23. Your sense of smell never lets you forget anything. 
  24. Children manipulate you way faster than you could ever manipulate them. 
  25. Life is too short to leave important words unsaid. 

I’d love to hear random tidbits from you

Letting Nature Heal. Pedernales Falls State Park.
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If the world was blind, how many people would you impress? 

In a day in age where looks and talk are so highly valued have you ever thought about how you’d fair if the world was blind?  How many people would you impress? 

This is something that caught my attention. I was on twitter recently and saw this question posed.  Genius.  

I know that I’ve fought some good fights.  Some for people I’ve never met, some for my kids, some for other kids.  I’ve put myself in harms way to protect children from being hurt, I’ve spoken out about taboo subjects people avoid.  I’ve yelled at and confronted a complete stranger for  yelling and pointing his finger in his girlfriends face while she sat in silence crying with her head bowed.  I’ve run after a complete stranger after seeing her steal someone’s purse.  I pray for everyone on my massage table during the duration of a massage.  I’ve given all of the money I’ve had to someone who needed it more.  Most importantly I’ve taught my girls how to care about others.  Sometimes I wonder what my purpose is, but I’m certain it’s not to be a self serving individual.  Although my attempts seem feeble in comparison to others and I’m not sure if I’d ever make any heads spin, it’s the absolute most I can provide. 

Giving

I slept and I dreamed that life is all joy. I woke and I saw that life is all service. I served and I saw that service is joy.

Kahlil Gibran

What about you? I’d love to hear! 

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Right Where I Need To Be

There have been many times I’ve questioned why things happen the way they do. I suppose it’s my imperfections and selfishness as a human being that make me think this way and question these things. I wonder when it will be my turn, my family’s turn to reap the rewards of our sacrifices and hard work.  I recently read something that hit me so hard I almost fell off my chair.  It stung.  When the reality of my absurdity hit me, a feeling of complete disregard for everything I’d been taught as young girl washed over me.  

Pearls of Wisdom from Curiano Quotes

How shameful that I’d allowed myself to fall into such a shallow pond and begin drowning.  When did I lose track of the many blessings I have?   I gathered myself together for a quick prayer of thanks. 

I sat and read this over and over again.   In my case it’s more like I’m not where I want to be but thank God I’m not where I used to be. 
I realized quickly that I’m right where I need to be.  I’m learning.  I’m still a work in progress.  I realized how much I’ve grown, how much I’ve learned and continue to learn.  And yes, Thank God I’m not where I used to be! 
As we continue on our journey through life trying to be the best example for our children, guiding them, coaching them, preparing them, caring for them; even with our loved ones, spouses, parents, grandparents, friends. This is the greatest reward we could’ve been given. To have our family. They are my guiding light. 
The rest is gravy. What does anything else matter?  I have what money can’t buy.  That makes me rich.  And for that I am thankful. 

Know that everything is in perfect order whether you understand it or not.
Valery Satterwhite

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Self Reliance In A Codependent World: Lessons For My Teenage Daughter

Learning to be self reliant in a codependent world is a rare gift that I hope you will find to be extremely liberating.  To my sweet Elisabeth, remember that everything I say and do for you is a calculated move.  That’s one of the blessings of motherhood.  You’re forced to think ahead for the sake of your children.  

It’s a funny thing to sit and chat with children about how you grew up.  The dynamics in every family and culture are so different. The times have changed drastically too.  I remember being in school and participating in various activities during our field day. Remember those?  That was the best day of the whole school year for me.  Getting your class to compete against your friends and their home room teachers in games of tug o’ war, what a blast! The number one thing I remember was winning in order to get a medal and ribbon.  Mediocrity wasn’t celebrated.  We didn’t get ribbons for participating.  We didn’t get our names printed on the school newsletter or paper for acknowledgement of participation.  We had to earn that.  Nobody ever suffered everlasting scars of torment from it.  Everything is so different now.  You can’t celebrate one person’s accomplishments without acknowledging every last tidbit everyone else did.  I’m here to tell you sweetheart, that you need to grow up.  You’ll have to be tougher than that if you want to be a strong, independent individual.  Being coddled that way isn’t teaching you anything other than to feel entitled.  The bad news is-The world doesn’t owe you a thing, okay?  

Recently, I was on Facebook, swiftly reading through posts and I came across one that caught my attention.  A young woman was on a tangent about how no one she knew ever liked pictures of her and her husband, she continued on about how she speculated this was probably due to jealousy.  Jealousy?  What if people weren’t on Facebook that day, or use automated posting apps like I do?  I seldomly have time to get on and actually read posts.  Most of my stuff is auto scheduled a month out.  Besides, why did people have to comment or like these posts?  Was she waiting on people to celebrate a picture she’d shared?   Naturally, my mind wandered the more I read on this….I forgot to like it and comment.. but that’s neither here nor there. 

As my oldest I hope I’ve instilled in you the caliber of my very pungently strong being so that you don’t feel you have to rely on the amounts of likes and comments left on social media platforms as a means of validity for anything.  You my dear, should know your worth and what you bring to the table.  Never wait for anyone to celebrate anything for you as a means of definition as to who or what you are or what your happiest moments mean to you.  Remember what I always say, it’s quality over quantity. I’d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies when it comes to the people I surround myself with.  I thought about this young lady and her post for several days, I began to think maybe she felt entitled to have people falling all over themselves to compliment her and comment and like what she was sharing.  I’m supposing no one ever explained to her that someone else’s opinions shouldn’t matter to her so long as she’s happy.  As I delved deeper in thought I came to the conclusion that only a person wearing a mask would care what anyone else thinks.  When you’re truly happy with yourself and what you’ve accomplished is someone else’s happiness for you really that relevant to your being?  Is that what you’re going to allow to gauge your overall happiness?   

Gloria Steinem Quote

I guess your old lady could be wrong where this young woman is concerned, I mean I’m no expert.  I’m just an over analytical fart.  In essence what I’m saying is, thank you for listening when we talk to you.  I hope you never change.  My hopes for you are that you continue to march to the beat of your own drum.  You’ve taken risks in competitions at school that ultimately would’ve scared the bejeezus out of me, and that makes me proud of you.  You’ve never stopped to check and see if the world is going to applaud you.  That thrills me because the world doesn’t stop to applaud you.  It doesn’t have to.  You’re doing what makes you proud and happy.  You’re not stopping to look around to see who’s watching.  You’re only stopping to help others along the way.  That’s a sign of a flourishing young woman.  Your self reliance and self confidence are shaping you each and every day and they change and grow with you.  Continue on with your balance of confidence and humility.  Stay hungry, stay focused, stay humble. 

Love, 

Mom

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Mean What You Say

I don’t make enemies, it’s just I’m not afraid to speak my mind, which can sometimes mean people don’t like what I am saying. –Alan Sugar

Shut Your Mouth

Am I the only one who’s so doggone tired of people not saying what they mean and not not meaning what they say?  Just spit it out already.  I’m not a mealy mouthed woman, obviously.  If I have a questions, I’ll ask. If I don’t like something I’ll let you know and if I disagree I’ll explain why. 

I don’t understand this whole cat and mouse game of words. It’s a contemptuous game of word play in all honesty.  If  you’re upset about what someone said or did and passive aggressively handle it or indirectly address it how can you expect the other party to ever know?  Let me be the first to tell you that, that method of communication is for the birds.  You’ve gotta take the bull by the horns and say what you’ve got to say; and mean what you say.  

If you’re upset, take some time to sort out your thoughts.  Take the emotion out of it so that you’re not making rash decisions based on emotions.  (Ladies, we do this a lot). 

  • Make sure you’re not making a mountain out of a molehill. 
  • Keep your word.
  • Listen.
  • Be honest, not ugly. There is a difference. 
  • Remember in being honest, not everyone will like what you have to say.  

It’s okay if you have a difference of opinion.   Being agreeable doesn’t make you more likeable.  You’re feelings matter too. You don’t have to hide the way you feel to appease anyone.  Speaking up isn’t always easy but it’s always best. 

–Hiding how you really feel and trying to make everyone happy doesn’t make you nice, it just makes you a liar. –Jenny O’Connell, The Book of Luke

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30 Lessons Life Has Taught Me: Things I’d Teach My Younger Self

  1. Speak up. Don’t stay quiet for the sake of argument. Be heard. Create boundaries that you don’t want others to cross.  

2. Alpha females don’t run in packs. I’ve often found myself alone. I usually don’t follow the crowd because I have my own things going on. I’ve learned that that’s okay.  

3. Don’t disclose every little detail. It can and will be used against you. 

4. Hard work doesn’t go unnoticed, laziness is noticed. Don’t stop when you’re tired, stop when you’re done. 

5. Save 20% of the money you earn from the time you begin working. Keep it in a savings or money market account solely under your name. 

6. When you graduate from high school go directly into a trade school of sorts and develop a trade while you work through college. Maintain any licensure you’ve gained, you’ll be happy you did in the long run. 

7. Not everyone who’s nice to you is your friend. 

8. Separate your professional life from your personal one. There should always be a thin veil between the two. Allow glimpses in, but never intertwine the two.

9. Dress for the life you want. Not just the job you want. I’m not saying you have to strut around in high heels all day long. I’m saying don’t schlep around in pjs without make up because you will be treated according to what you project. You attract what you project. 

10. Struggles will come up, you have a choice. You can let them defeat you or motivate you. Know your limits but, strive to set records. 

11. Be careful who you choose to have children with. This person will forever be a part of your life whether it works out or not. If it doesn’t work out, they change, you change and it affects your children. 

12. Read a few psychology and body language books while you’re young. The lessons you’ll learn in reading these books will keep you a few steps ahead of the game your entire life. 

13. Sign language and a second language are always an amazing gift to possess. 

14. Take care of your body and your health. Trust me, by thirty that shit catches up to you. Make some time for yourself. 

15. When you get married, take time to nurture yourself and your relationship with your partner. You can’t let life and children take over. When all is said and done and the kids are gone, your partner is all you have left. Make sure you didn’t take each other for granted and you stay best friends.

Have No Fear
 

16. Let go of people and things that make you unhappy. Laughter really is the best medicine. 
17. Take up a hobby. Shopping is not a hobby. 

18. Do some volunteer work, it’ll make you really appreciative of what you have. 

19. Don’t buy things you don’t need. 

20. Get rid of it if you don’t use it, it doesn’t fit or if it hasn’t been worn in the last 6 months. Buy staples of clothing, not things that are trendy. 

21. If you become a mother, don’t let it define you. You were an individual before you became a mother. It’s easy to let it consume you. 

22. Takers take, and haters hate. You can’t change people, so don’t try to.  You either take them as they are or move forward. 

24. Pay it forward.  Acts 20:35 It is more blessed to give than to receive.  

25. Be understanding of parents.  Parenting doesn’t come with a manual.  Doling out advice and judgment is easy when you don’t have children of your own. Remember the old rule of different strokes for different folks. If you are a parent, maybe you lucked out with helping hands and great children. They’re not all the same and we’re not all the same. What worked for you may not work for someone else. 

26. Respect Mother Nature

27. Enjoy some time unplugged from gadgets, phones and computers. 

28. Don’t take things too personally, it’s not always about you. 

29. Old ways don’t open new doors.  If it was easy it would come with instructions.  

30. You can either get up or give up. You always have a choice. Just make sure you can live with the choice you made. 

Walking away
~~I can’t decide whether I’m a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that’s how I know I’m a woman!
C. JoyBell C.

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The Silent Women: Have You Fallen Silent?

It was an exceptionally busy week for me. I had a great time at work and had some very interesting conversations. This week got me thinking about the silent thoughts we have as wives and mothers, and perhaps women in general.  I wanted to bring attention to women, depression, and marriage ruts that are so easily fallen into.  I wondered if we are all silent wives.  I wondered if we all fall silent.

While our children sleep peacefully we fall asleep praying for them. Silently begging and pleading for them to always be well, thanking God for every last second with them. While our husband’s or partners are at work we manage to maintain a job, home, kids and everything else that comes our way. We silently ignore our own needs to ensure that everyone else’s are met and satisfied first.
While our parents find activities to occupy their retired time, we silently weep and take in the bittersweet beauty of watching someone we thought was invincible get older and celebrate the great moments we’ve had with them.
While people mistake our kindness for weakness and sacrifices for stupidity, we lay awake at night silently hoping that everything we’ve done is right and worth it.
While some of us wander through life completely oblivious to the battles and sacrifices we make, taking life in stride. We stand silently enduring the struggles of depression, carrying with us the secrets of our partners indiscretions, the burdens we feel of not being able to communicate the weight on our shoulders.
We, the silent women bear the weight of smiling to make it through another day without letting anyone know what we’re really feeling. We, the silent women maintain our composure while our other halves work ridiculously long hours because keeping up with the Joneses has taken over our lives. We don’t mention the pressures of staying fit and looking well for our other half while they take for granted the effort and time it takes to shave our legs, wax our unmentionable parts, manage a home, take care of children, work and muster the energy to be intimate.
We cry quietly on the inside waiting for someone who knows us well to recognize the fact that we’re exhausted, That we can’t make excuses for an absent spouse anymore.

We silently endure in our relationships what others would call abuse or negligence of a spouse in order to fulfill our promises to our children and other halves and avoid anything or anyone that may rock the boat we’re on.
We quietly accept to take on even more responsibilities as our children join more and more sports and activities; as our spouses request more of our support so that they can further their education or take that promotion.
We smile and downplay the severity of our emotional distress so that it appears to just have been a rough day although if you leave us alone we weep on our way to work as an outlet for the stress we feel.
We quietly carry on with the strength of a 550 horse powered vehicle, quietly but with much ferocity, humming through the streets not ever letting anyone know what’s really under the hood.
We, the silent stand humbly awaiting a moment as rare as a Sasquatch sighting, for someone to ask us ‘is there anything I can do for you?’
To all of the silent women out there, please know that I pray for you all on a nightly basis. I pray for you to speak up, to know that is okay for you to ask for help, I pray for strength and courage for you, I pray that you make yourself a priority. I pray for you ladies. I pray that you take a moment for yourself and that when you do, you can rest at ease knowing that I’ve heard some of your silent cries, that some of you have come to me to let go, and I’m happy to listen and continue to pray for you.

Have you ever felt like you’ve fallen silent?

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Manic Monday: Time’s A Wasting 

Another Manic Monday’s Thoughts: Don’t Waste Energy. I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything on Manic Monday’s thoughts. I’ve had so much on my mind lately it’s been hard to organize my thoughts and pick ONE thing to write about.  This is one of my favorites from 100 Days Happier: So many of life’s eventualities are beyond your control. Work out what things you can influence and come to a peaceful acceptance of the rest.
Don’t waste your energy
 Sometimes everything will go your way and on other days nothing at all seems to go right. If you are having one of those days, instead of wasting your energy raging against something you can’t control, take a deep breath and accept it. That way, even though the moment may be ruined, your day won’t have to be.
This has struck quite a chord with me lately. I’ve been witness to someone being so crude and ruthless, arrogant, vengeful, negligent, spiteful and hateful all at the same time it’s made me wonder how they manage to get through their day without having a massive coronary. I pray for you and your family. I feel like you need it the most. You need peace. You need to breathe and let go and live. What good is life if you’re merely existing and not living? Life is short, really short for some of us, wouldn’t you rather live it happily?   

I want to leave this earth and I want the girls to remember that although I was hard on them I was hard on them in a way that was pushing them to do and be their absolute best. I want them to remember that it was fun to color outside of the lines and letting the music move us instead of moving to the music. I want them to remember the spontaneous road trips we always took, I want them to remember fishing trips and treading through knee high waters and plucking ticks off our bellies from walking in the woods. I want them to remember me laughing because their grandpa drove me crazy. I want them to remember the stories their grandma’s and great grandma’s had to tell about us. I want to leave my mark on this earth so that these girls know what their parents were made of. Love, laughter and full of LIFE! 
  
There’ll be two dates on your tombstone and all your friends will read ’em but all that’s gonna matter is that little dash between ’em. ~ Kevin Welch

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Rebel Without A Cause

 

Wild Woman

Have you ever felt like a rebel without a cause?  I’m talking, “I am woman hear me roar” rebellious.  More and more I’m finding myself to be more rebellious the older I get.  I’m not sure what’s happening here.  I’m finding that I’m challenging things that have been placed in front of me, questioning authority, pushing myself a little harder and not backing down for the sake of argument anymore.  I suppose it isn’t rebellion so much as growing up.  Although, most of the time it feels as though I’m rebelling.  Maybe, finding my voice; is a better choice of words.  I’m sure many would argue that, that has never been a problem for me.  I will agree that there was a point in my life where I had no filter on my mouth. There was no censoring of what I was feeling. I’m not sure why that stopped. Some would say that I matured, some that motherhood changed me.  Maybe it was a little of both. I remember at one point feeling that there was no use in stating what I felt because it fell on deaf ears.  Now, I feel like I should say it, whatever it is, for my own sanity; for the sake of not bottling things up, for the reason that I don’t want to return to feeling that what I say falls on deaf ears.  I’m not afraid of arguing anymore.  I’m not afraid to fight anymore.
I think of my grandmother a lot when I think about how my life is changing, about how I’m changing. I think about her wild spirit and how my grandfather always tried to tame her, to tame it.  Is this what happens with age?  With maturity?  We end up reverting back to the freest version of ourselves?  I should hope so.
Prayer of an Anonymous Abbess:

Lord, thou knowest better than myself that I am growing older and will soon be old. Keep me from becoming too talkative, and especially from the unfortunate habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and at every opportunity.
Release me from the idea that I must straighten out other peoples’ affairs. With my immense treasure of experience and wisdom, it seems a pity not to let everybody partake of it. But thou knowest, Lord, that in the end I will need a few friends.
Keep me from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.

Grant me the patience to listen to the complaints of others; help me to endure them with charity. But seal my lips on my own aches and pains — they increase with the increasing years and my inclination to recount them is also increasing.

I will not ask thee for improved memory, only for a little more humility and less self-assurance when my own memory doesn’t agree with that of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.

Keep me reasonably gentle. I do not have the ambition to become a saint — it is so hard to live with some of them — but a harsh old person is one of the devil’s masterpieces.

Make me sympathetic without being sentimental, helpful but not bossy. Let me discover merits where I had not expected them, and talents in people whom I had not thought to possess any. And, Lord, give me the grace to tell them so.

Amen

by  Margot Benary-Isbert

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