The Silent Women: Have You Fallen Silent?

It was an exceptionally busy week for me. I had a great time at work and had some very interesting conversations. This week got me thinking about the silent thoughts we have as wives and mothers, and perhaps women in general.  I wanted to bring attention to women, depression, and marriage ruts that are so easily fallen into.  I wondered if we are all silent wives.  I wondered if we all fall silent.

While our children sleep peacefully we fall asleep praying for them. Silently begging and pleading for them to always be well, thanking God for every last second with them. While our husband’s or partners are at work we manage to maintain a job, home, kids and everything else that comes our way. We silently ignore our own needs to ensure that everyone else’s are met and satisfied first.
While our parents find activities to occupy their retired time, we silently weep and take in the bittersweet beauty of watching someone we thought was invincible get older and celebrate the great moments we’ve had with them.
While people mistake our kindness for weakness and sacrifices for stupidity, we lay awake at night silently hoping that everything we’ve done is right and worth it.
While some of us wander through life completely oblivious to the battles and sacrifices we make, taking life in stride. We stand silently enduring the struggles of depression, carrying with us the secrets of our partners indiscretions, the burdens we feel of not being able to communicate the weight on our shoulders.
We, the silent women bear the weight of smiling to make it through another day without letting anyone know what we’re really feeling. We, the silent women maintain our composure while our other halves work ridiculously long hours because keeping up with the Joneses has taken over our lives. We don’t mention the pressures of staying fit and looking well for our other half while they take for granted the effort and time it takes to shave our legs, wax our unmentionable parts, manage a home, take care of children, work and muster the energy to be intimate.
We cry quietly on the inside waiting for someone who knows us well to recognize the fact that we’re exhausted, That we can’t make excuses for an absent spouse anymore.

We silently endure in our relationships what others would call abuse or negligence of a spouse in order to fulfill our promises to our children and other halves and avoid anything or anyone that may rock the boat we’re on.
We quietly accept to take on even more responsibilities as our children join more and more sports and activities; as our spouses request more of our support so that they can further their education or take that promotion.
We smile and downplay the severity of our emotional distress so that it appears to just have been a rough day although if you leave us alone we weep on our way to work as an outlet for the stress we feel.
We quietly carry on with the strength of a 550 horse powered vehicle, quietly but with much ferocity, humming through the streets not ever letting anyone know what’s really under the hood.
We, the silent stand humbly awaiting a moment as rare as a Sasquatch sighting, for someone to ask us ‘is there anything I can do for you?’
To all of the silent women out there, please know that I pray for you all on a nightly basis. I pray for you to speak up, to know that is okay for you to ask for help, I pray for strength and courage for you, I pray that you make yourself a priority. I pray for you ladies. I pray that you take a moment for yourself and that when you do, you can rest at ease knowing that I’ve heard some of your silent cries, that some of you have come to me to let go, and I’m happy to listen and continue to pray for you.

Have you ever felt like you’ve fallen silent?

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Manic Monday: Time’s A Wasting 

Another Manic Monday’s Thoughts: Don’t Waste Energy. I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything on Manic Monday’s thoughts. I’ve had so much on my mind lately it’s been hard to organize my thoughts and pick ONE thing to write about.  This is one of my favorites from 100 Days Happier: So many of life’s eventualities are beyond your control. Work out what things you can influence and come to a peaceful acceptance of the rest.
Don’t waste your energy
 Sometimes everything will go your way and on other days nothing at all seems to go right. If you are having one of those days, instead of wasting your energy raging against something you can’t control, take a deep breath and accept it. That way, even though the moment may be ruined, your day won’t have to be.
This has struck quite a chord with me lately. I’ve been witness to someone being so crude and ruthless, arrogant, vengeful, negligent, spiteful and hateful all at the same time it’s made me wonder how they manage to get through their day without having a massive coronary. I pray for you and your family. I feel like you need it the most. You need peace. You need to breathe and let go and live. What good is life if you’re merely existing and not living? Life is short, really short for some of us, wouldn’t you rather live it happily?   

I want to leave this earth and I want the girls to remember that although I was hard on them I was hard on them in a way that was pushing them to do and be their absolute best. I want them to remember that it was fun to color outside of the lines and letting the music move us instead of moving to the music. I want them to remember the spontaneous road trips we always took, I want them to remember fishing trips and treading through knee high waters and plucking ticks off our bellies from walking in the woods. I want them to remember me laughing because their grandpa drove me crazy. I want them to remember the stories their grandma’s and great grandma’s had to tell about us. I want to leave my mark on this earth so that these girls know what their parents were made of. Love, laughter and full of LIFE! 
  
There’ll be two dates on your tombstone and all your friends will read ’em but all that’s gonna matter is that little dash between ’em. ~ Kevin Welch

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Freaky Friday 


Don’t you just love the way men think? I wish I’d been blessed with a one track mind that solves everything with sex.  Unfortunately, I came out an over analytical, neurotic, Type A, worry wart whose last concern is with sex when it comes to problem solving. 

This is an ode to my husband, who finds the best way to get to the root of a problem and find resolution is through sex.  I don’t know how he does it! He’s able to find the humor and perfect timing to make his pitch for sex at any God given moment. He’s slick about it too. His come hither eyes seem to be turned on as he so eloquently makes his case. That’s a gift ladies! A true marksman that never misses his target. 

How is it he was given this gift of charismatic charm that works in his favor every time? I feel like I’m so far behind him on this subject.  For example, Today, he came home from work, our little one had a bit of a rough day. As I was explaining all the things that had gone awry today he says to me, with full confidence in his voice and his playful yet understanding tone “You know, it’s Friday the 13th today. Maybe we should join her and let ‘Freaky Friday’ work it’s devilishness on us. That way she’s not the only one afraid of things going thump in the night.”

I started cracking up. I could’ve died laughing. He was serious too. He made his plea for sex. He’ll get it too. He always does.  

There are days when I feel I’ve lost my sense of humor and then he comes at me with his sexual innuendos and all worry dissolves bringing me back down to Earth. He’s right, I’m just being mom.

So to my dearest,  I’m sorry it feels likes this for you. 

      

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Toddlers: Untamed Hearts

I’ve been told many times that my life should be recorded, or that I should do stand up comedy. Hardy-har-har. Probably because the joke’s always on me right? So, I’ve mentioned a few times that both of my girls have my wild untamed heart. It’s true. They’re both wild in their own ways as am I. But my little one, oh boy is she giving me a run for my money. You know, I haven’t quite figured out why I’m being punished. 

My mom tells me I was a good girl. Excellent in fact. I ate everything she made me, even told her what a great cook she was, I spoke in clear complete sentences by the time I was a year old. I took my naps, I was early to rise and early to go to bed. My kindergarten teacher Mrs. Stephenson told my mom I was the best napper in class. I was a bit of an over achiever if you ask me. 

My little one on the other hand is on a mission from God (I believe this to be true with all my heart) to allow me the opportunity to test my better judgement or just straight up see if I can live the rest of my life in martyrdom. 
Anyway, we were out buying some scratch off lottery tickets a few weeks ago. It was a warm Texas day. I was wearing my green cropped muumuu. So it wasn’t an ankle grazing one but cut to the length of the knees. My little one has had a love-hate thing going on with Disney’s Frozen. On this particular day she was loving it. She was singing and swaying the back of my dress from side to side as we waited in line. Despite my many pleads to get her to stop playing with my dress, she continued to ignore my requests and sing. As I got to the counter and I finished paying she was simultaneously ending her rendition of Queen Elsa singing Let it go; Coming to a close while belting out “The cold never bothered me anyway” she made her grand finale by lifting my dress over her head and shoulders exposing my granny panties to everyone waiting in line behind me. 


This would’ve been livable if I had great legs or nice rump. In my mind it should’ve played out like the woman pictured above. 
Instead, as I swatted my hand onto my dress to clamp it down and hide my granny panties, whilst speaking through gritted teeth and telling her we were leaving. I turned to face this. 

The cashier stood frozen, hand covering her mouth and the woman in line behind me shut her eyes and began nodding her head side to side keeping her lips tucked into a tight line where she was fighting off the laughter that was threatening to bust out if she took one look at me. 

I quickly bustled towards the door with my little one close behind and as I reached up to push it open my little one had taken a few steps back into the convenience store to eyeball some hotdogs and announce she was now hungry. I had no choice but to look back and face the people I was so desperately trying to leave behind. 

All I could see was the line of people behind me staring and laughing hysterically. Thanks Pumpkin. Nothing on earth is quite as exciting or humbling as being your mom. 

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2016 Goodbye & Good Riddance

Hello everyone, I want to start out by wishing everyone a happy new year. 2016 was no joke. I’m happy to have spent the last of the year in my sexiest pair of sweatpants after having had a massage letting 2016 melt away.

I’m not sure what 2016 was like for you all, but it was a doozy for me. I apologize for the long hiatus. 2016 was a huge year of growth, reflection and reform for me and my personal life. I felt much of what was going on was happening so quickly that before I’d even had time to process what had just happened something else was happening.  As an eye twitching control freak that likes her home a certain way and expects the same courtesies she gives, seeing things unravel and not having the celestial godlike abilities to control other people’s actions, I had to let go of many things and many people, mainly I had to let go of a part of myself.


I’m not saying I get my rocks off by being in control.  What I’m saying is I’m vocal about what I expect because I give everything I do 110%.  I don’t half ass anything I do, I do expect the same in return and I don’t expect anyone to give me anything, I’d much rather attain material things myself. (I love working and it brings me a certain je ne sais quoi. A discerning wakefulness of being alive.)

What 2016 taught me was that I was surrounded by people that did want things given to them and were okay doing things half assed and I was not okay with this.  Not, spiritually, not emotionally, not mentally, not even physically.  Mediocrity, is not okay with me. Not in what a person has to give, emotionally, spiritually, you name it. I’m not okay with mediocre love, mediocre effort, that whole “Meh, I tried” attitude, doesn’t cut it for me.

In an eye opening conversation with my bestie over the new year and it’s presumptuous promises of a healthier lifestyle and mending broken fences etc..it occurred to me that I’d never made any resolutions.

I suppose in my own way I’ve made private resolutions to myself and I’d decided on them way before 2016 was long gone.

Lessons I’ve Learned although they seem to be highly repetitious in many Pinterest posts and quotes, they’d never seemed to resonate with me until I was under fire. Relate, yes, but resonate down to my core? No.

  • If I was forgiven, I needed to forgive myself.
  • If I forgave myself, I needed to move forward. Not wallow.
  • If I was a crappy girl, I could be a better woman.
  • If I was a crappy daughter, I could be a better sister, mother, niece, cousin, granddaughter etc..
  • Change is possible, for those who want it.
  • In my darkest hours, I was stronger than I thought possible.
  • I am looking for peace.
  • I am not afraid to be alone.
  • I’ve taught my daughters more than I knew.
  • I’m actually proud of myself.
  • Even in moments of complete despair, I could make light of a dark situation.
  • My middle name should’ve been Misunderstood
  • My spirit remains wild and untamed.
  • My girls have my untamed heart.
  • My strength comes from my mom.
  • I am forgiving. Sometimes too forgiving.
  • I am hardest on myself.
  • Resignation is not a word my body copes with well either mentally or physically.
  • My heart is calloused in certain aspects.
  • I don’t want to share certain things anymore.
  • Silence is golden.
  • Self honesty is freedom.
  • The key to happiness is gratitude.
  • Taking time to heal is imperative.
  • Make time for yourself.  Your health is wealth. You only get one body. Take care of it.

Thanks for the lessons 2016, I’ll make sure not to take them in stride. I can’t say I’m sad to see you go. You were rough on me. Now, onward and upward!

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